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A website for fat bastards everywhere
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ARE YOU A FAT BASTARD?
If your six pack as long since been replaced by a one pack, your tits have become bigger than your wife's...
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THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A FAT BASTARD
You can spew up your ring in a pub without being embarrassed about it as this this sort of behaviour is more or less expected of you...
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HOW TO BECOME A FAT BASTARD
BECOME A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT
You can get really fat on all those lovely expenses our MPs will still find a way of claiming for themselves...
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FAT BASTARD ACCESSORIES
A genuine fat bastard will need several accessories if he is to look the part. Any, but preferably all, of the following...
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FAT BASTARDS TOP FOODS
1. Meat Pies
2. Pizzas
3. Fry-ups... more...

DEAR PORKY'S ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Porky I am fat (over twenty stones and only five feet six) but I am not a fat bastard as I am not a bastard. In fact I ...
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DIETARY ADVICE
To maintain an unhealthy weight is simply a matter of continuing to eat the unhealthy diet that made you a fat bastard in the first place...
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FAT BASTARD OF THE MONTH
A fat bastard will be selected every month from nominations suggested by fat bastards and friends of fat bastards...
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FAT BASTARD POLITICIAN OF THE MONTH
A fat bastard politician will be selected every month from nominations suggested by disgruntled fat bastards and anyone...
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FAT BASTARD CELEBRITY OF THE MONTH
A fat bastard celebrity will be selected every month from nominations suggested by celebrity worshiping bastards and anyone...
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TOP TEN FAT BASTARD BANDS
1. Meatlolaf
2. Bread
3. Feeder... more...

FAT BASTARD ENHANCEMENT
Other than eating more there are a number of ways you can make your stomach more satisfyingly grotesque...
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FAT BASTARDS ANONYMOUS
In the interests of the above I recently attended a meeting of the Luton branch. There were about twenty people present, all seated in a circle... "
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FEEL GOOD ABOUT BEING A FAT BASTARD
You are helping to keep people in a job. Thousands of workers in the food and drink industry would be thrown out of work if fat bastards...
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FAT BASTARD CHILDREN
Any self-respecting fat bastard will want his son to grow up to be a fat bastard. Babies are usually already comparatively fat when they are born...
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GENERAL ADVICE
It does not pay to listen to people who tell you that you are eating yourself into an early grave. How do they know? How can they...
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RECIPES
PORK PIE
Ingredients - One large packet of Jus Rol pastry. 2 pounds belly pork. Method -Trim all the meat off the belly pork...
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MEAT PIE OF THE MONTH
Here we feature the pie that has found most favour amongst fat bastards...
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FAMOUS HISTORICAL FAT BASTARDS
Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill KG OM CH TD FRS PC FB (Fat Bastard), 30th November 1874 � 24 January ...
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LINKS OF INTEREST TO FAT BASTARDS
The need for lard in a Fat Bastard's diet.
The Fat Bastard's ideal restaurant.
Fashion for Fat Bastards
Wishful thinking for Fat Bastards.
Japanese help toward becoming a Fat Bastard.
Selection of Junk Food.
Amazing big breakfast challenge.

FAT BASTARD ACCESSORIES


A genuine Fat Bastard will need several accessories if he is to look the part. Any of the following, and as many of them as possible, are appropriate.

 

A Number One haircut.


A Number Four brain. (Many Fat Bastards already have this, but if you happen to be possessed of more brainpower than this simply watch a few episodes of Big Brother or any TV show with 'Celebrity' in the title until your mind becomes sufficiently dulled. Don't overdo it though, you want to end up with a number four brain, not the brain of a 'celebrity'.)


A vicious dog (bulldog, bull terrier, ridgeback etc) which goes everywhere with you and over which you have little or no control.


A studded collar. (Either for the dog or for you. Matching collars is ideal).


An assortment of tank tops, several of which have foods stains on them.


An assortment of trackie bottoms.


A pair of black trackie bottoms. (For funerals).


Several tattoos. If one of them is an inscription then the more mind-numbingly banal it is the better. 'Mild' on one breast and 'Bitter' on the other is ideal. 'Ant' on one breast and 'Dec' on the other would be far too subtle for a genuine Fat Bastard.


At least one earring.


At least one ear. (Not necessarily attached to the head; one ripped off in a fight and preserved in lager is acceptable).


A bandana.


A banana (for those Fat Bastards who don't know what a bandana is).


A bitch (for smacking). Ideally she will be a Fat Slag.

 

A council house.

 

An assortment of debris, including at least two rusty car parts, in your front garden.

 

A sick note


Loads of attitude.