YOU FAT BASTARD!

FAT BASTARDS ANONYMOUS

This page is especially for Fat Bastards who don't wish to be Fat Bastards. If this is the case with you there is only one thing to do..... pay a visit to Fat Bastards Anonymous. *

Following is a report specially commissioned by the You Fat Bastard website.

In the interests of Fat Bastards who don't wish to be Fat Bastards I recently attended a meeting of the Luton branch of Fat Bastards Anonymous. When I arrived twenty people of various degrees of fatness, but certainly fat enough to be called Fat Bastards, were already there, all seated in a circle. I learned from the Fat Bastard in charge that the purpose of Fat Bastards Anonymous was to bring succour and support to all Fat Bastards who don't want to be Fat Bastards but who can't make the effort to do anything about it. The meeting began. A fat man stood up. He said "I am a Fat Bastard". Everyone applauded. He sat down. Another fat man stood up. He said "I am a Fat Bastard". Everyone applauded. He sat down. Then another fat man stood up. He looked around nervously. Then, clearly uncomfortable about it, and visibly steeling himself, he opened his mouth, licked his lips, and barely whispered: "I am a Fat Bastard". Then, gaining a little in confidence, he repeated the proclamation a little more positively, even managing an apolgetic smile. Everyone applauded. It transpired that this was a Fat Bastard who was attending a meeting for the first time, for he remained on his feet and told his story, which went as follows: "Like all of you here tonight I want to be thin. But no matter how hard I try I can't lose any weight, or if I do manage to lose the odd pound or two it goes right back on the following week. I wasn't always fat, in fact I was quite slim up until I was about eighteen, eating only the healthy balanced diet fed to me by my mother. Then one day my mate's mother gave me a slice of pizza. I'd never tasted one before. I was hooked immediately, and soon I was eating a slice of pizza every day. A slice of pizza very soon became a whole pizza and it's been the same ever since. Nowadays I eat as many as three pizzas every day. Show me a Margarita or an Al Fungi and I'll soon show you an empty plate. I know that eating pizza in such quantity is bad for me and that I'm probably eating myself to death but I just can't help myself. All I help myself to is another pizza, preferably a twelve inch deep pan with extra olives, salami and anchovies. Over the years my weight has gradually increased, by about half a stone each year, until at age forty five, which I am now, my weight is nudging twenty three stones. (APPLAUSE) If I could just cut out the pizzas I know the weight would simply drop off me and I would no longer be a Fat Bastard. But I just can't!" Then the Fat Bastard who was in charge got to his feet. He said: "With our help you will, Brother." A Fat Bastard shouted out: "Hear! Hear!" Another Fat Bastard shouted out: "We'll help you beat the demon drink!" and the Fat Bastard sat next to him turned to him and said: "I think you're in the wrong meeting mate." The Fat Bastard in charge then invited discussion and several Fat Bastards suggested ways in which the new Fat Bastard might kick the habit of gorging himself on pizzas, although admitting that they hadn't tried any of them themselves. The Fat Bastard thanked them and said he probably wouldn't try out their suggestions either. Then a guest speaker took the floor. This Fat Bastard had recently been released from prison after serving a twenty year sentence for strangling to death the local Weightwatchers woman. He gave an interesting talk on his life behind bars and how he was able to remain a Fat Bastard whilst in prison by virtue of visitors smuggling pies in. A Fat Bastard asked him if he had perhaps considered having a file hidden in a cake smuggled in so he could eat the cake as well as use the file but he said no he hadn't thought of that one. The meeting then had an open discussion on successful slimming diets and everyone agreed they wouldn't be trying them as they couldn't be arsed. When it was over the Fat Bastard in charge sent out to the chip shop down the road for twenty portions of meat and potato pie, steak pudding, double chips, mushy peas and gravy, which were enjoyed by all, and the meeting broke up at ten pm in good time for a few pints down at the local before closing time.