ARE YOU A FAT BASTARD?
If your six pack as long since been replaced by a one pack, if your tits have become bigger than your wife's, if you show a hefty amount of bum cleavage whenever you bend over to tie your shoelaces, if you can't tie your shoelaces, if you can't get into a mini car or if you can get into a mini car but can't get out of it, then it is more or less certain that you are a Fat Bastard. If there is any doubt do the following simple test. First take off all your clothes and stand, legs slightly apart,with a photograph of your wife/girlfriend between your feet. Now, without moving your head, look down. If you can't see the photograph you are a Fat Bastard. ( If you then piss on it you are a real bastard).
N.B. In any event to qualify as a Fat Bastard you must be at least two and a half stones in weight for every one foot in height, eg. a six feet tall man must weigh at least fifteen stones (although fourteen stones is acceptable for Leeds United or Millwall supporters as they are in all probability bigger bastards).
One further method is acceptable. Go to the seaside and queue up for a donkey ride. If, on seeing you, the donkeys run off, you are a Fat Bastard. Even if the donkeys don't run off you might still be a Fat Bastard provided that, after mounting the donkey, the donkey's stomach fouls the sands. (If, when you are approaching the donkey, the donkey fouls the sands, this will also qualify you as a Fat Bastard; it also means that you have chanced upon on a rare example of an intelligent donkey).
* By definition all Fat Bastards are male. The female equivalent is a Fat Slag.