BECOME A FAT BASTARD
HELPFUL ADVICE ON HOW TO BECOME A FAT BASTARD WHEN YOU ARE NOT SUFFICIENTLY OVERWEIGHT.
1. BECOME A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT You can get really fat on all those lovely expenses our MPs will still find a way of claiming for themselves one way or another, and as only a bastard would do this sort of thing that will make you a Fat Bastard of the highest order.
Even though footballers are very rarely no more than a few pounds overweight, unless they are Dean Windass (what a great name for a Fat Bastard incidentally), they can be Fat Bastards. Not only will the crowd inform them of this but they will also tell them that they ate all the pies. And once you hang up your boots you will soon become a genuine Fat Bastard - how many ex-footballers have you seen who are now have fat to spare?
3. BECOME A WHITE VAN DRIVER Even if the driver of a white van is as thin as a lath he is a Fat Bastard in spirit in deed and thus qualifies.
4. BECOME A SUMO WRESTLER As a thin sumo wrestlers would last about as long as a virgin at a rugby club's Christmas party all participants of this sport eat a very high carbohydrate, very high calorie diet in order to pile on the weight. By doing so they end up so fat that they can't even wipe there arse and have to employ someone to do it for them. Now that really is a Fat Bastard. Especially if he refuses to pay an arse wiper and makes his wife wipe his arse for him.
5. BECOME A POLICEMAN Show me a parked police control car and I'll show you two coppers sat on their fat arses in the front seats guzzling pizzas. Join our boys in blue and and not only will you very soon be a Fat Bastard but you will get paid for it and be able to retire at age 55 on a fat pension. Go for it.
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