ANN ART GALLERY. CISSIE AND ADA ARE LOOKING AT A LARGE PAINTING, A LANDSCAPE BY PISSARRO. CISSIE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY TAKEN BY THE PAINTING. CISSIE: Oh yes. Very artistic, isn’t it Ada. ADA: Well if you like trees, yes. CISSIE: French, if I’m not mistaken. (SHE REFERS TO HER BROCHURE) Yes, I was right. It’s a Pissarro. ADA: They’ll do it anywhere, these foreigners, won’t they. CISSIE: Camille Pissarro was a famous Impressionist, Ada. ADA: What, you mean sort of an French Mike Yarwood? CISSIE: Honestly Ada, I can’t take you anywhere. You’re pig ignorant, you really are. For your information Impressionists were painters who paint without elaborate finish or detail. ADA: Well the Co-op Decorators do that, have you seen the state they left my front room skirting boards in, I’ve seen less streaks on two pound of belly pork. CISSIE: If, as I suspect, you are totally uncomprehending in matters of good taste and breeding Ada, kindly keep your gob shut! ADA: Well there’s no need for that, I’m sure. CISSIE; Well you’d test the patience of a Saint, you really would. I mean you were just the same when I took you to that exhibition of ‘Clothing Through The Ages’ when we went to Rhyl. Showing me up like that! ADA: What do you mean? CISSIE: You know very well what I mean. When the Guide pointed out those corsets and said they were from William and Mary. And you said ‘Are they as good as Marks and Spencers?’ ADA: Well I’m very sorry I’m sure, but some of us haven’t had the benefit of your education, have we. I mean I could only go to school every other day, what with being a twin and only one pair of knickers between us. CISSIE: But you were in the school hockey team, weren’t you, what did you do then? ADA: if it wasn’t my day for the knickers prayed it wasn’t going to be windy. CISSIE: Yes well accompanying me round this art gallery will give you the chance to catch up on your education, won't it. It can do you nothing but good. ADA: It’s not doing my feet much good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes. CISSIE: Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet. THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS. ADA: Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE) CISSIE: What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada! ADA: Just keep walking. CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY. CISSIE: Get you hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say. ADA: Well I did try to save you from it. CISSIE: Yes. Thank you Ada, love. ADA: Disgusting, isn’t it. CISSIE: Positively scandalous. THEY BOTH CARRY ON LOOKING AT THE STATUE. CISSIE: I wonder who sculpted it? ADA: I don’t know, but he wasn’t short of clay. CISSIE: It could be Moore, I suppose. ADA: Oh not much more, surely. CISSIE: I meant Henry Moore, the sculptor! Or on second thoughts it could be Rodin. He did 'The Thinker' you know. ADA: Well that would give you something to think about, that's for sure. CISSIE: Honestly Ada, your mind! You’ve got a point though, because he’s certainly a big lad isn't he, and no mistake. ADA: I thought he had three legs at first. CISSIE: I wonder what it’s called? (SHE NOTICES A PLAQUE AND LEANS FORWARD TO READ IT) ADA: Be careful Cissie, it could poke your the eye out. CISSIE: (READS OFF THE PLAQUE) It’s called ‘Waiting’. ADA: Yes and he’d be waiting a hell of a long time if he was mine. Hey, can you keep a secret, Cissie? CISSIE: Well of course I can. ADA: That’s the first grown-up one I’ve ever seen. CISSIE: Oh come on Ada, you don’t expect me to believe that, surely. What about your Bert, you must have seen him undressed? ADA: Not once, Cissie. the whole time we’ve been married. No he’s always got undressed in the dark. He says it’s because when his mother was carrying him it was during the war and she was frightened by a searchlight operator. CISSIE: Well now that you’ve seen one, what do you think? ADA: I think I’m going to go back to the vicar who married us and ask for a rebate on my marriage licence. THEY WALK ON. Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada, featuring many of the Cissie and Ada sketches, price 99p, can be purchased from Amazon Kindle at- Amazon UK Amazon US