YOU FAT BASTARD!

BRINGING UP YOUR SONS TO BE A FAT BASTARDS.

Any self-respecting Fat Bastard will want his sons to grow up to be Fat Bastards. Babies are usually already comparatively fat when they are born, and anyone who has been kept up all night by the little twats crying will know only to well that they are little bastards, so all you need do is to make sure they stay this way. There are several ways you can help bring this about.

When your son is a new born baby get him off milk as soon as possible. Just a week on the tit or the bottle is a week too long. The first time a Fat Bastard's mouth should go anywhere near a tit is when he is about 14, and then it should be for pleasure, not nourishment. So get the little bastard onto solids as soon as possible. Party-size pork pies are an ideal first food, being high in calories and fat, and about the size of a baby's mouth, if you force its jaws open a bit. You may feel that the crusty pastry used to make pork pies could be a little hard for a new born baby, but a baby hasn't got any teeth and can't chew anyway, so it doesn't make a great deal of difference how hard it is. If the baby has difficulty swallowing the party-size pork pie simply force it down with a plumbers plunger or something similar.

You won't need to encourage your baby to lie about all day like a Fat Bastard as babies already do that, and, also like Fat Bastards, they make a lot of noise when they want to be fed, so no problems there either. In addition they are extremely adept at shitting themselves, which any Fat Bastard worth his salt will also do quite often in his adult life. You must however be on your guard against your baby getting any exercise. Many Fat Bastard's wives are averse to putting their offspring in one of those harnesses that hang up in the doorway so the little bugger can bounce up and down, or maybe in one of those baby walkers that allow them to charge about the house all day bumping into the furniture. Needless to say both of these activities burn off hundreds of calories, the last thing you need if you want your baby to grow up to be a Fat Bastard. Be warned!

All babies need to learn to belch (known by their mothers as 'Getting his wind up'). Fat Bastard's babies especially need to learn how to belch as they will be belching a lot, along with farting a lot, throughout their adult life. An ideal way to encourage your baby son to belch is to down ten parts of lager and a dozen or so of his party-size pork pies and simply let nature take its course whilst you spend an hour or so in his company. Infants very soon catch on and the little bastard will be belching and farting as much as you in next to no time.

When your son reaches the toddler stage limit his walking to an absolute minimum. Steps taken means calories burned off means fat lost. Running is out, unless it is running to the ice cream van for a treble 99, and even then he should be encouraged to walk, or preferably be carried, instead. When your son is old enough to be taken to see the Job Centre, in order that you can point it out to him and instruct him to avoid it at all costs, push him there in a trolley. As your child grows older you will also need to actively discourage him from playing out with children of a similar age. You may allow him to play street football with them but only if he is one of the goalposts.

Once your child begins to talk teach him all the swear words, along with some typical fat bastard expressions such 'Who the fuck are you looking at you twat?'