YOU FAT BASTARD!

To maintain an unhealthy weight is simply a matter of continuing to eat the unhealthy diet that made you a fat bastard in the first place. However a few general rules apply.

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EAT ANYTHING GREEN*

All green food is either a vegetable or a salad ingredient, and as such is to be avoided like the plague. The reasons for this are:-

(a) All green foods are slimming foods to some degree. If you were to eat a hundredweight of cabbage at a single sitting you would still lose weight because it would take you a week to eat it.

(b) All green foods are rich in fibre, and as a fat bastard you already fart enough from all the junk food you consume without encouraging any further outbreaks of wind that the eating of dietary fibre inevitably brings with it.

N.B. The occasional lettuce leaf may be eaten, perhaps as a penance, so long as the precaution of smothering it with a whole jar of Hellman's Real Mayonnaise has been taken.

AVOID ALL PULSES LIKE THE PLAGUE

(It's not a bad idea to avoid the plague as well, as it can be exceptionally slimming). All pulses are to be spurned for the same reason as (b) above, and the smell is even worse.

AVOID FRUIT

Shun fruit of any description unless it is incorporated in a curry. A visit to a zoo at feeding time will tell you that nearly all the animals are fed a 100% fruit diet and not a single one of them is fat.**

DISREGARD TABLE MANNERS

It is said to be good manners to always leave something on the plate if you are a guest at a dinner party. Under no circumstances should a Fat Bastard do this. Always eat everything on the plate. Including the pattern. If you feel the urge to leave something do it in the form of a large jobby nestling in the WC.

*Except if it is a mouldy meat pie, and even then it is advisable to break off the green bit if you're not too hungry. And of course snot, which, being a fat bastard, you will habitually sniff up and swallow.

** Except for gorillas, who are overweight because they sit around for large periods of the day doing fuck all. Remind you of anyone?

WEIGHT RECOVERY DIET

Occasionally, almost always through illness, a Fat Bastard will lose weight, and will need to go on a crash diet to regain those unsightly lost pounds. The following diet, as recommended by Peter Kay, is one hundred per cent guaranteed to quickly make you pile those pounds back on as quickly as possible.

Breakfast. A 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizza.

Mid-morning snack. Another 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizza.

Lunch. Two 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizzas.

Mid-afternoon snack. A 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizza.

Dinner. Two all day breakfasts in carbonera sauce atop a 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizza.

Supper. Two digestive biscuits. Sorry, just joking, it's another 12 inch deep pan meat lover's pizza.

Throughout the day drink a minimum of 5 litres of Coca-Cola and 10 pints of the lager of your choice.