GENERAL ADVICE FOR FAT BASTARDS
1. DO NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE EATING YOURSELF INTO AN EARLY GRAVE Ask yourself how they know? How can they tell if a Fat Bastard who died at the age of sixty from a heart attack would not have dropped dead at the age of sixty from a heart attack even if he had been thin? In fact if he were thin he might well have died of a heart attack before he was sixty through worrying himself sick about getting fat!
2. MARRIAGE Although slim girls are undoubtedly a more attractive proposition than fat girls when it comes to having sex with them, there is no way a Fat Bastard should even contemplate a slim girl when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. Slim girls nearly always get fatter and when they do the vast majority of them go on a diet so that they can be slim again. If they go on a diet that means you go on a diet too and it's goodbye meat pie hello salad bowl, which is the last thing you want. So when it comes to choosing a partner think less Dawn Porter, more Dawn French.
Despite the advice above it does no harm whatsoever to go on a diet occasionally and can be a positive benefit. Most diets will make you lose weight if you stick to them for long enough so it doesn't really matter which diet you opt for. The important thing to remember is that no matter how much weight you lose you will very soon put it all back on again and much more besides, in the same way that all people who go on diets sooner or later pile the weight back on, and you will end up being a fatter Fat Bastard than you already are.
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