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EPISODE
FIVE
LIVING ROOM. JOSIE IS READING A BOOK ENTITLED '100 SEXUAL POSITIONS'. ALISTAIR IS WATCHING TV. DARREN COMES IN, A SMIRK ON HIS FACE. DARREN I think an apology is called for, Alistair. ALISTAIR An apology? DARREN You said the multiplier wouldn't work. Yet Albert now has two legs. ALISTAIR Yes. A pity they're both left legs, isn't it. ALBERT, NOW WITH TWO LEFT LEGS, IS AT THE MOMENT CIRCLING A CHAIR, WALKING IN AN ANTI-CLOCKWISE DIRECTION. DARREN Well quite naturally the multiplier multiplied the only leg that Albert had, his left one. ALISTAIR I think you might have mentioned that to him before you multiplied it. Look at the poor devil trying to sit on that chair, he's been circling it for the last five minutes and he's no nearer to it than he was when he started. DARREN That's because he's trying to walk in a straight line. (CALLS TO HIM) Albert? ALBERT What? DARREN Now that you have two left legs you'll have to adopt a different method of walking. Try 'tacking' like a yacht in the direction you wish to go. ALBERT Tacking? DARREN Sort of sidle sideways. Like a crab. ALBERT TRIES THIS BUT GETS HIS LEGS MIXED UP AND STAGGERS DOWN THE ROOM. JOSIE He said walk like a crab, not walk like you've got crabs. DUNCAN COMES IN, A BROAD SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE HAS SHAVED OFF HIS MOUSTACHE AND NOW HAS TWO LARGE, SHAPELY BREASTS. IT IS THE FIRST TIME ALISTAIR AND JOSIE HAVE SEEN THEM AND THEY ARE NONPLUSSED TO SAY THE LEAST. ALISTAIR What the....? JOSIE Kreeegie peegie! DUNCAN ADOPTS A PROVOCATIVE POSE AND POUTS. DUNCAN Do you like them? Darren enlarged them for me in the multiplier. All I need now is my sex change operation. JOSIE Hey, can you make mine as big as that, Darren? DARREN Bigger, if you like. JOSIE No, like that will be fine, I don't want to keep tipping over and falling on my face. DARREN Then if you would like to accompany me to the multiplier? JOSIE TAKES DARREN'S ARM AND THEY HEAD FOR THE DOOR. ALISTAIR Stop! JOSIE What's wrong? ALISTAIR You are not having your breasts enlarged. JOSIE But why not? ALISTAIR The multiplier isn't some sort of inter-galactic cosmetic surgeon, Josie, it is a piece of equipment designed to make our task here on Earth a little easier. Well, until it starts to go wrong, it is. DARREN It won't go wrong. ALISTAIR You aren't taking bets are you? DARREN I am a top Kreeegan technologist, Alistair. I may have made one mistake, but for me to make two mistakes - impossible. THE KITCHEN, LATER ALISTAIR IS AT THE SINK GETTING A GLASS OF WATER. HE BECOMES AWARE OF A FLY BUZZING AROUND. AN IDEA FORMS AND HE BEGINS TO SMILE. ALISTAIR The Return of the Fly! HE PICKS UP THE FLIGHT OF THE FLY. IT LANDS ON A WORKTOP. CAREFULLY ALISTAIR TRAPS IT UNDER A GLASS. THE BARN. THE MULTIPLIER IS IN ACTION, EMITTING AN ELECTRONIC HUM AS IT DOES ITS WORK. DARREN AND ALISTAIR ARE IN ATTENDANCE. DUNCAN JOINS THEM. DUNCAN What are you multiplying now? DARREN A pig. And enlarging it. Which will save having to fatten it for the market. DUNCAN Great, my career as a pig farmer is almost over. Thanks Darren. DARREN Don't thank me, it was Alistair's idea. ALISTAIR SMILES MAGNANIMOUSLY. DUNCAN Right. Thanks Alistair. ALISTAIR My pleasure I assure you. THERE IS A MICROWAVE OVEN TYPE 'PING' FROM THE MULTIPLIER AS IT COMPLETES ITS CYCLE. DARREN Right, let's see what we've got. HE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE CONTROL CONSOLE. DARREN The pig was about a foot long when I put it in. According to my calculations we should now have two pigs about five feet long. THE DOORS SLIDE OPEN. THERE IS MUCH LOUD SQUEALING AND GRUNTING FROM INSIDE, THEN THREE PIGS ABOUT FIVE FEET LONG EMERGE FROM THE MULTIPLIER. THEY ALL HAVE WINGS SIMILAR TO THOSE OF A FLY, AND THEIR HEADS ARE A SHINY GREENY BLUE COLOUR WITH BULBOUS EYES. DARREN'S JAW DROPS. HE TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT NOTHING COMES OUT. ALISTAIR Oh dear. DUNCAN What's gone wrong, Darren? DARREN I....I don't know. They.... they've got wings. They've got wings Alistair! ALISTAIR Oh dear, oh dear. DARREN But....but I just don't understand. ALISTAIR Seems when I said that your multiplier has about as much chance of multiplying pigs as pigs have of flying I was right after all, doesn't it Darren. OUTSIDE THE FARM, A LITTLE LATER. A MAN IS CYCLING ALONG THE ROAD THAT BORDERS THE FARM. SUDDENLY HE SEES ONE OF THE WINGED PIGS ON THE FARMHOUSE ROOF. TAKEN BY SURPRISE, HE CYCLES INTO A DITCH AND FALLS OFF. THE FARMYARD,THE FOLLOWING DAY. ALBERT, WEARING WICKETKEEPER'S GLOVES AND PADS, IS ABOUT TEN YARDS AWAY FROM THE FRONT DOOR OF THE FARMHOUSE, CROUCHED BEHIND A SET OF WICKETS. HE AWAITS AN IMAGINARY DELIVERY FROM AN IMAGINARY BOWLER. SUDDENLY HE 'CATCHES' THE BALL AND WHIPS OFF THE BAILS. ALBERT Howizeeeeee! THEN HE LOOKS UP AT THE SKY, TO CHECK IF HE HAS AFFECTED THE WEATHER IN ANY WAY. HE HOLDS OUT THE PALM OF HIS HAND TO SEE IF IT IS RAINING. IT ISN'T. HE SCRATCHES HIS HEAD, THEN GOES THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN. WHILE HE IS DOING THIS BLEASEDALE, AN OFFICIAL FROM THE MINISTRY OF AGRICUTURE AND FISHERIES, APPEARS ON THE SCENE. IN THE CROOK OF HIS ARM HE IS CARRYING HIS BOWLER HAT, COVERED BY A HANDKERCHIEF. HE NOTICES ALBERT AND TAKES IN HIS ANTICS. THEN, VERY BUSINESSLIKE, HE APPROACHES HIM. BLEASEDALE Are you the owner of this farm, my man? ALBERT No. He's inside. BLEASEDALE Kindly be good enough to tell him I would like a word with him. ALBERT Follow me. ALBERT TURNS AT RIGHT ANGLES TO THE FARMHOUSE AND STARTS WALKING SIDEWAYS ON IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FRONT DOOR. BLEASEDALE, WONDERING WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, FOLLOWS HIM. LIVING ROOM. DUNCAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR ADMIRING HIS BREASTS. HE HAS SHAVED OFF HIS MOUSTACHE AND IS WEARING HIS HAIR IN A PONYTAIL. JOSIE IS SEATED AT THE TABLE. PROPPED UP ON IT IS THE '100 SEX POSITIONS' BOOK. SHE IS BENDING THE TWO BENDY DOLLS INTO THE VARIOUS POSITIONS ILLUSTRATED IN THE BOOK. ALISTAIR IS WATCHING TV, TAKING NOTES. DARREN IS PACING UP AND DOWN, WORRIED, COUNTING ON HIS FINGERS. DARREN (TO HIMSELF, TRYING TO PUZZLE IT OUT) I put one pig into the multiplier. The multiplier always double things exactly. So that makes two pigs. But there were three pigs. Half of three pigs makes one and a half pigs. But you can't have half a pig, so.....(HE STOPS, THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT, THEN STARTS AGAIN) I put one pig into the multiplier. The multiplier always doubles things exactly. So that makes two pigs. But there were three pigs. Half of three pigs makes one and a half pigs. But you can't have half a pig, so....(HE STOPS, THINKS ABOUT IT SOME MORE, SHAKES HIS HEAD, THEN THINKS ABOUT IT SOME MORE) ALISTAIR Any luck yet Josie? JOSIE No. ALISTAIR What number sexual position are you up to? JOSIE Ninety nine. DUNCAN Isn't that a type of ice cream cornet with a milk flake stuck in it? JOSIE (CHECKS IN THE BOOK) I think this is a bit too big for a cornet. ALISTAIR So you're still no nearer to discovering how Earth people have sex? JOSIE Sorry. However, I have discovered that all their women have bigger breasts than I have, So if I'm supposed to be an Earthwoman I should have bigger breasts, so I'd like some. A pair about as big as Duncan's will do nicely. ALISTAIR We are not meddling with nature, Josie. DARREN (TO HIMSELF) I put one pig into the multiplier.... DUNCAN Oh by the way Alistair, I've had an idea about our winged pigs. Have you ever heard of crop spraying? ALISTAIR Well of course. DUNCAN Well I was thinking if we could train the pigs to fly up and down in straight lines we could get them to do manure spraying. What do you think? DARREN The multiplier always doubles things exactly. So that makes two pigs.... THE DOOR OPENS AND ALBERT COMES IN WITH BLEASEDALE. ALISTAIR'S JAW DROPS. ALBERT POINTS AT ALISTAIR. ALBERT Him. BLEASEDALE You are the owner of this farm? ALISTAIR Well.....you could say that. Why? DARREN But there were three pigs. Half of three pigs makes one and a half pigs..... BLEASEDALE My name is Bleasedale, Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries. Yesterday my department received a telephone call from somebody who said they had seen a pig with wings on the roof of your farmhouse. Obviously some crank, we thought. ALISTAIR Well obviously. DARREN But you can't have half a pig, so.... BLEASEDALE However it is my department's duty to follow up reports of this nature, so I came here to investigate the matter. And what is the first thing I see on arriving at your farm? A flying pig. ALISTAIR Oh I'm sure there must be some mistake. DARREN I put one pig into the multiplier..... BLEASEDALE Mistake? ALISTAIR Oh I'm certain. BLEASEDALE REMOVES THE HANDKERCHIEF FROM THE BOWLER HAT WHICH IS STILL HELD IN THE CROOK OF HIS ARM. NESTLED ON TOP OF IT IS A LARGE DOLLOP OF PIG MANURE. BLEASEDALE Then do you mind tell me what it was that shit on my hat? DUNCAN I said they'd be good for manure spraying, didn't I. BLEASEDALE So you have got flying pigs? DARREN The multiplier always doubles things exactly..... ALISTAIR No. Not one. DARREN Half of three pigs makes one and a half pigs. But you can't have half a pig, so.... BLEASEDALE Right, I want the full story. From the beginning. IN EPISODE SIX BLEASEDALE GETS A LITTLE MORE THAN THE FULL STORY AND DARREN COMES UP WITH A NOVEL WAY OF CATCHING THE FLYING PIGS . |
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