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EPISODE
EIGHT
THE LIVING ROOM. DARREN, DUNCAN, ALBERT AND JOSIE ARE SITTING AROUND. ALISTAIR COMES IN. ALISTAIR Darren, you'll have to go out and get a host body for the Inspector. DARREN I thought he wasn't due to arrive until next week? ALISTAIR Evidently there's been a change in plan, he's arriving tomorrow. You can take Duncan with you. DUNCAN Me? I've only just done my nails. Why can't you go with him? ALISTAIR Because I have to prepare my report on all that we have learned so far, haven't I. ALBERT It wouldn't surprise me if he sent you back to Kreeeg. ALISTAIR Thank you Albert. ALBERT I hope he does, I might get my proper leg back then. ALISTAIR Will you shut up about your fucking leg! JOSIE You'll be able to tell him you've learned how to swear. ALISTAIR And you can be quiet Josie, you haven't helped. Five weeks you've been trying to find out how the Earthpeople have sex and you still aren't any nearer than the day you started. JOSIE I think we should ask them. ALISTAIR Ask them? JOSIE Yes. It makes sense. If I asked an Earthman to have sex with me and then we had sex I'd know how they did it, wouldn't I. ALISTAIR Well I suppose so - but our instructions are not to come into contact with the Earthpeople unless it is absolutely necessary. JOSIE Oh I think I'd have to come into contact with them. Unless they use a bike pump or something. Well? ALISTAIR Well, all right then. As it seems like the only way that you're ever going to find out. DUNCAN I'll come with you, Josie. Keep you company. ALISTAIR No you won't, you're going with Darren for a host body. DUNCAN Can't we go tomorrow? ALISTAIR The Inspector is arriving tomorrow; we are to get his krip into a host body as soon as he arrives. AS HE SAYS THIS HE SWITCHES ON THE TV SET. TV NEWSREADER ....have been further strange goings on in the area of Derbyshire where recently flying pigs and a giant spider were spotted and identical twins fighting to the death have been reported, when yesterday another gas man disappeared and a six feet in diameter two hundredweight one pound coin struck a police car, putting two policemen in hospital. JOSIE I should keep the television switched off while the Inspector is here if I were you, Alistair - don't want him seeing any two hundredweight coins and giant spiders, do we. DARREN Right Duncan, shall we go and get that host body? DUNCAN I suppose so. THEY MAKE FOR THE DOOR. ALISTAIR No! DARREN What? ALISTAIR I'll get it. DARREN What? ALISTAIR You heard. DARREN I thought you had your report to do? ALISTAIR I do. But I feel like a bit of exercise. All right? THE ROAD OUTSIDE THE FARMHOUSE. ALISTAIR IS LEAVING THE FARM. AS HE CLOSES THE GATE BEHIND HIM A GAS MAN, HIGTON, IS APPROACHING. HIGTON Excuse me, are you the owner of this farm? ALISTAIR Yes? HIGTON I've come to read your gas meter. We've tried twice. ALISTAIR Well as you can see, I'm on my way out. HIGTON Suit yourself, but if we can't gain admittance to read the meter at the third time of asking, it's the courts, we don't come again. ALISTAIR Nobody will come again you say? HIGTON That's what I said. So you'd be well advised to let me in. ALISTAIR No need. It's outside. HIGTON Outside? ALISTAIR Yes, we had it put outside to make a little more room when we were doing the alterations. HIGTON So where is it then? ALISTAIR (POINTS) Behind that haystack over there. LIVING ROOM ALBERT HAS A BOOK, 'BALLROOM DANCING.' HE HANDS IT, OPENED, TO DARREN. ALBERT You call out the steps and I'll dance them. DARREN Right. ALBERT I'll put some music on. ALBERT GOES TO THE RADIO. SUDDENLY THERE IS A TERRIFIED SCREAM FROM OUTSIDE. DARREN What's that? ALBERT What? DARREN I thought I heard a scream. ALBERT I didn't hear anything. ALBERT SWITCHES ON THE RADIO. RAP MUSIC IS ON. ALBERT ADOPTS A POSE, AS IF HOLDING A DANCING PARTNER. ALBERT Off you go then. DARREN (READS FROM THE BOOK) Slow, slow, quick quick, slow. Slow, quick quick slow, quick quick quick.... TRYING TO FOLLOW DARREN'S INSTRUCTION ALBERT ONLY SUCCEEDS IN DANCING SIDEWAYS AT FULL PELT INTO THE WALL. DARREN Maybe it's the wrong music? THE LOUNGE BAR OF A PUB. THE ONLY TWO OCCUPANTS ARE TWO MEN, TERRY AND GARY, BOTH IN THEIR THIRTIES. WITH FULL PINT GLASSES OF BEER IN THEIR HANDS, THEY ARE JUST TAKING THEIR SEATS AT A TABLE NEAR THE DARTBOARD. WHEN THEY ARE SEATED GARY CRINKLES HIS NOSE AND LOOKS AT TERRY. GARY Phew, what's that you've got on? TERRY Don't you like it? It's that new deodourant, Pull. GARY Pull? TERRY As in pull a woman. A quick blast of this under each arm and the women are falling over themselves in the rush to get at you, according to their advert. GARY Don't tell me you believe that shit? TERRY No, course not. It would be nice if it did pull women though, wouldn't it. AS THEY FINISH TALKING JOSIE AND DUNCAN COME IN. DUNCAN LOOKS EVEN MORE LIKE A WOMAN, QUITE GLAMOUROUS EVEN, NOW THAT HE IS WEARING MAKE-UP. JOSIE TOO HAS MADE A BIG EFFORT TO MAKE HERSELF ATTRACTIVE. IMMEDIATELY THEY SEE TERRY AND GARY THEY WALK OVER TO THEM. JOSIE SMILES AT TERRY. JOSIE Will you have sex with me? TERRY What? JOSIE Will you have sex with me? TERRY Jesus Gary, it's working! JOSIE Well? TERRY Well....yes. Yes, course I will. GARY Hey, you haven't got it with you, that Pull, have you? DUNCAN (TO GARY) And will you have sex with me. GARY Hold it, I don't need it. JOSIE How do you want me? TERRY What? JOSIE Well I usually do it stood up. But I'm quite adaptable. TERRY No. No, stood up will be fine. Shit, I don't believe this. JOSIE BRACES HERSELF. JOSIE Go on then, do it to me. Lover. TERRY What, in here? JOSIE Why not? TERRY Well....somebody might see us. JOSIE That's all right, I always enjoy it a lot more when people watch me having sex; I like the applause at the end. DUNCAN Me too. GARY I think we've cracked it here, Tel. THE LIVING ROOM, LATER. AIDED BY DARREN WHO IS CALLING OUT THE STEPS, ALBERT IS TRYING TO DO THE QUICKSTEP TO THE SOUND OF 'THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE' ON THE RADIO. NEEDLESS TO SAY HE IS NOT HAVING MUCH SUCCESS. JOSIE COMES IN. DARREN Josie! How did you go on? JOSIE A complete waste of time. DARREN You weren't able to get an Earthman to have sex with you? JOSIE Well he said he was going to have sex with me. But he was all talk. We only boddled. DARREN Boddled? JOSIE You know, that game Alistair told us about that used to be played on Kreeeg a long time ago. The one where the man tries to put his penis in the woman's vagina; he said it was a bit like darts. DARREN Oh, I remember. So they play boddling on Earth, too? JOSIE Apparently. I'll tell you something though; it's a lot better than darts. DARREN You enjoyed it then? JOSIE Enjoyed it? It was better than sex. You'll certainly never get me standing about letting a man put his finger in my ear again whenever I want a thrill. DARREN And how about Duncan? JOSIE Ah. That's another story. DARREN Didn't he boddle too? JOSIE Well I think he was going to. But when Gary put his hand up Duncan's skirt he suddenly stopped, called him a bloody pervert and hit him. DARREN Hit him? DUNCAN COMES IN. HE HAS TWO BLACK EYES. DUNCAN Darren I really do need you to make me another five thousand pounds in the Multiplier. Five thousand separate pounds. So I can have a sex change. IN EPISODE NINE THE INSPECTOR ARRIVES AND IS THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS. |
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