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ANT AND DEC'S GUIDE TO
SUCCESS |
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Get yourself on a children's TV show.
Both Noel Edmonds and Chris Tarrant started out on kids TV and look at them
today - one's a pretentious pillock and the other's a pretentious pillock who
can't keep his dick in his trousers - but both of them are multi-millionaire
celebrities after starting out on children's TV - just like we did!
Having got yourself on children's TV, cut a record. It doesn't matter
if you can't sing and if it's crap, like ours was, it's all good publicity and
the kids will buy it in their hundreds of thousands just because they've seen
you on the telly.
Make the crossover from children's television to
adult television. Demonstrate to the programme bosses that you're ready to make
the switch by occasionally dropping in adult words like bum and fart and the
odd f-word when you're reading the story on Jackanory or whatever children's TV
show you're appearing on.
If you don't speak with a natural accent,
develop one. Speak in a strong regional accent like what we do and you'll be
able to talk absolute shite and get away with it because most of the audience
won't be able to understand a word you're saying. Just keep it regional and
shout a lot and it's very difficult not to be a success. We are living proof of
this!
Become a cheeky chappie. Neither of us are natural cheeky
chappies, we've had to work at it. Before we became cheeky if one of our girl
guests fell arse over tits and showed her knickers we would have been
embarrassed and looked away. Now we say something like: 'Nearly saw your
breakfast there, love', with a cheeky grin. But don't say it if she's anorexic
though as she probably won't have had any breakfast and it would be in bad
taste. Say 'Nearly split your kipper there love' instead.
Become
loveable. Not everyone likes cheeky chappies so you have to make yourself
loveable as well. It is a small step from having people feeling sorry for you
to having them loving you. People of average and above average height feel
sorry for short people so when we started out in showbiz at the age of twelve
we worked hard at remaining really short by smoking like chimneys and spending
two hours a day in a trouser press. Maybe Dec overdid it a bit but it has
clearly worked.
Be yourself. This can be quite difficult, so you might
have to work at it. Fortunately for us neither of us can act for toffee
(although that doesn't stop us having a go at it sometimes, just for a laugh
like!), so we can't be anything else but ourselves.
Finally, be very, very lucky.
Ant
and Dec
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