Ian Wright    Decent, if hot-headed footballer who made over two hundred appearances for Arsenal. Also made an appearance in a One-2 -One mobile phone commercial, in which he said that the person he would most like to have a One-2-One with was "Martin Loofah King" - probably to talk about his loofah.

Idiomatic    Off-road automatic vehicle used for shopping and taking the kids to school.

Illusionist    A Magician who deals in the branch of magic which sets out to fool the audience into believing that matter has disappeared. An example is the American David Copperfield. who made a locomotive, the Statue of Liberty, and Claudia Schiffer disappear.

Indian Reservation    "So that's a table for four for eight-o-clock, and we're all starting with onion bhajis."

Inflatable    This simply used to mean 'capable of being inflated, blown up'. Now also used as a noun to describe a 'Bouncy Castle' or similar attraction, on which children can bounce up and down and have a jolly time.

Inflatable Rubber Woman    Attraction on which men can bounce up and down and have a jolly time.

Instrumental    (1) A musical, non-singing performance. (2) A means of accomplishing something. The word was first used in the context of (2) in 1893 after a harmonica swallowed by a small boy became lodged in his anus which subsequently played notes when he walked, and it was remarked upon that the act of defecation which eventually removed it was instrumental in getting it out.

Invertebrate    An animal with no backbone. Sponges, flatworms, molluscs and Cabinet Ministers are typical examples.

Intensive Care   The care of critically ill patients, in an Intensive Care Unit , of patients who require continuous attention, eg following sever injury or major surgery. When patients are treated thus and then slapped round the face with a wet haddock and told to shape up it is known as Insensitive Care.

In Your Face     A modern day term to describe aggressive behaviour, such as road rage. It is prudent to give way to people who exhibit 'in your face' tendencies as they can become quite violent if they don't get their own way.

In Your Faeces    Where your teeth might end up if you don't heed the above advice.

Iraklion     An alternative spelling of Heraklion, Crete.

Irakkleyan    A spelling of Iraklion by a typical Greek.

Ireland     One of the British Isles, to the west of Great Britain, from which it is separated by the Irish Sea and about a thousand years of evolution.

Iron Age    The period that elapses between an item of clothing leaving the dryer until the time it is eventually ironed, ready for use. Usually about a month.

Istanbul    City and chief seaport of Turkey. Formerly Constantinople, AD 330. Formerly Byzantium, 660 BC. Formerly I Wish They'd Make Their Minds Up What They're Going To Call This Bloody Place Because The Postman Doesn't Know Where The Hell He's Up To, 890 BC. Formerly Krud, 1200 BC. Formerly Hagiabad, 1840 BC. Formerly, Ooh, this Looks Like A Nice Place, Let's Pitch The Tent Here, 2200 BC.