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Libido The psychic energy found in a newborn child. The libido develops through a number of stages, identified by Freud as (1) the oral stage - when a child tests everything by mouth, (2) the anal stage - where the child gets satisfaction from control of its body, and (3) the genital stage - when sexual instincts are gratified. Unfortunately sometimes stages (2) and (3) arrive at the same time.
Lightning Conductor The
name given to the conductor of a symphony
orchestra who doesn't like the piece
of music he is conducting,* so goes as fast
as he can in
order to get it over with. For example the
Flight of the BumbleBee was
originally written as a funeral march.
Limbo The state of being somewhere between heaven and hell, e.g just after rogering someone's gorgeous wife and before her husband returns and bats your bollocks with a baseball bat.
Limerick (1) A town in Ireland. (2)
A five-line humorous verse, which
first appeared about 1920: thus -
Lipstck Lesbian One of a very small number of lesbians who aren't ugly.
Little John Real name John Little, he was the right-hand man of famed outlaw Robin Hood. A man of six feet nine inches in height, it is generally thought that his nickname was an ironic comment on his huge size, but actually Robin christened him Little John because he had a very small lavatory. Llandmine Very unpopular Welsh seaside resort.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychinyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogo A village on the island of Anglesey in North Wales. The name means 'Stop buying our houses as holiday homes and piss off back to England'.
Lobster Marine crustacean animal. Several varieties, including Spiny Lobster. Some people cannot distinguish them from crabs, although the difference is quite marked, lobsters being creatures between nine and fifteen inches long which inhabit the northern seas of Europe and America, while crabs are small red lice which inhabit peoples underpants.
Loch Lomond A lake in Scotland which doesn't have a monster.
Loch Ness Another lake in Scotland which doesn't have a monster, but pretends that it has so that the locals can fleece tourists.
Lord Baden-Powell (1857-1940) British general, founder of the Scout Association. His book, Scouting For Boys, was very popular with young boys, but not very popular with Oscar Wilde, who bought a copy believing it to be a book that offered tips on finding new friends.
Lord Sandwich (1718-92) British politician and First Lord of the Admiralty. Sandwiches, which he invented so that he could eat without leaving the gaming table, were named after him. He had three daughters, Jam, Ham and Cheese & Pickle, and a son who lived in Manchester, Lord Butty.
Loft Conversion The act of changing the space between the bedroom ceiling and the roof from Church of England to Catholic, Judahism, Mohammedism etc, or vice versa. Care should be taken when converting to Judaism if the area in question contains the cold water cistern as circumcision might cause leakage.
Lookalike A person who bears a resemblance to a 'celebrity' provided you are shortsighted and riding a bucking bronco at the time.
Lotus Position The only arrangement of arms and legs by which it is possible to have sex in the back of a Lotus sports car.
Louisa May Alcott (1832-88) American author of numerous books for girls, notably Little Women, and one book for randy men, Big Women.
Louis Pasteur (1822-95) French chemist who invented the pasteurisation processes which has enabled milk to be pasteurised. His compatriot, Louis Sterile, did the same thing for sterilized milk, but nothing at all for his wife.
Louis Xl French football team which plays in the Provence Sud league. Their record score is 27-1 away to Gigondas in the Coupe du Mont Ventoux (Ventoux Cup), whose team only fielded two players as they thought they were only playing a dead French king. |
