Mach Number    The speed of an object expressed as a ratio relative to the speed of sound: thus Mach 1 is the speed of sound itself. Named after the Austrian physicist Ernst Mach, the concept was actually first mooted by a colleague, Gustave Fart, but it was thought that to call the speed of sound a fart would be misleading, as a fart was already well established as the sound of shit.

Madonna    American singer. Once had breasts like traffic cones, now has shoulders like a traffic warden.

Magnetic Pole    A penis which always points to the north. Much sought after by south facing women.

Make-over    A phenomenon of nineties daytime television, whereby a team, typically comprising of a hairdresser, a beautician and a fashion expert, take a nondescript-looking member of the public and in about an hour succeed in transforming them into something which usually looks much worse.

Maltesers   (1) Small brown chocolates. (2) Small brown natives of Malta.

Mandingo     A cross between an Australian male and a dingo. There have been very few examples, due to the constant rejection of the Australian male by the dingo.

Manx Cat     A breed of cat with no tail. However a cat with no tail is not necessarily a Manx cat - it could merely be that it lives on a council estate.

Marianne Unfaithfull    Sixties pop singer who put it about even more than Marianne Faithfull.

Marjorie Daw    Subject of a nursery rhyme. See Saw.

Marooned    Stranded. From Star Trek episode 37. 'Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 3428. Today we were attacked by a thousand interior decorators from the planet Floppywrists. They proceeded to throw tins of red paint and tins of blue paint all over the Enterprise, contaminating her engines and bringing us to a standstill. So, marooned in space, we await further instructions."

Master of the Rolls    (1) English judge, responsible amongst other things for the admission of solicitors. (2) An office block janitor, responsible for replenishing the toilet roll holders. It is debatable which of the two types of Master of the Rolls is doing the most useful job.

Mazda    Japanese car. Also a type of lamp. If you find it impossible to screw it into the light fitting its a car.

Maurice Chevalier    (1861-1923) French stage and film actor. His greatest success was in the film Gigi, in which he sang the song Thank Heaven For Little Girls, a sentiment shared by Humbert Humbert in the book Lolita.

Medallion    Large medal-like object, popular in the late 70s as a form of male decoration. Lost favour because of fears that having such a heavy object hanging from a chain round one's neck would have an adverse effect on the vocal chords, eventually making people who wore them not only look like the BeeGees but sound like them as well.

Men Behaving Exactly The Same As They Did Last Week And The Week Before That and the Forty Shows Before That    The sequel to the sit com series Men Behaving Badly.

Menstrual Cycle    A bike that can only be ridden three weeks out of every four.

Mercedes    Prized German up-market motor car, named after Mercedes, the Christian name of the manufacturer's daughter. The car named after his other daughter, Gladys, sold in much fewer numbers, usually to women called Gladys, and was very soon discontinued.

Metamorphosis    When one thing changes into another, sometimes as if by magic, e.g. - when a monkfish enters the kitchen of a restaurant and after a short stay emerges as scampi.

Methylated Spirit    The ghost of a tramp.

Metre    S. I. unit of length, equivalent to 1.093 yards. It is defined by scientists as the length of the path travelled by light in a vacuum during a time interval of 1/299,792,458 of a second, and by kitchen fitters as 3 feet and a bit.

Metro     An efficient underground railway system in Paris. A similar system is planned for London, once they've got rid of the Tube.

Meze    A multi-course Cypriot banquet, in which the waiters bring all the cheaper dishes first, in order that you will be full up by the time they start bringing the good stuff.