Rabbi    Five-sixths of a rabbit.

RADA (Royal Acadamy of Dramatic Arses)    Stage school which specialises in teaching actors in the delivery of gushing, cringe-inducing award acceptance speeches.

Raft     Collection of logs fastened together for use as water transport. Nowadays the word raft is also employed, especially by television companies, to mean a selection of different programmes put together for a particular 'personality' i.e., a raft of programmes for Andi Crane. ( All, incidentally, which should be put onto a raft and floated out to sea).

Rail    A family of small wading birds. They include the Land Rail, which spends most of its time on the land, the Water Rail, which spends most of its time on the water, and the British Rail, which spends most of its time making excuses.

Rainforest    Any forest in England (Sherwood, New etc) to which one has gone for a day out.

Ramadan    Ninth month of the Muslim year, during which rigid fasting is observed during all hours of daylight . Special prayers are offered up by Muslims in praise of the great wisdom of Mohammad, especially for not making Ramadan the eighth month of the Muslim year, when it remains daylight for a lot longer.

Rap Music    Songs for people who can't sing.

Rasher    Slice of bacon. (16th century, of unknown origin; 21st century, still of mostly unknown origin, especially the rashers of bacon used in motorway cafes).

Rastafarianism    Religion originating in the West Indies. It has no churches and uses marijuana as a sacrament, which sure beats the shit out of confession and bread and wine, man.(The picture shows a worshipper who has been very religious judging from the look of him).

Reader's Digest    Magazine read in doctor's waiting rooms by men who would rather be reading Cosmopolitan, but aren't, just in case someone they know comes and sits next to them.

Recorder    An instrument of the woodwind family which, at school, is many children's first musical instrument, and is largely responsible for putting them off playing a musical instrument for life.

Red and Yellow Cards    Cards shown by a football referee to a player being cautioned for a serious breach of the rules. A Yellow Card is issued as a warning; a Red Card is instant dismissal. The Football Association, urged by the Labour Government, plan to introduce a Red and Yellow card which when used will result in the player being instantly dismissed but allowed to come back on provided he says he's sorry.

Redbrick University   A university where the lecturer often has to use a red brick to beat some sense into the pupil.

Reefer Jacket     A type of smoking jacket for marijuana users.

Reincarnation    A belief held by some people that after death they will return to Earth as a tin of condensed milk.

R E M    (1) Rapid Eye Movement. The fast moving blinking of the eyes during sleep. (2) A wonderful American rock band.

R F M    Rapid Fan Movement. This occurs at Rock Festivals, usually in the direction of the nearest exit, whenever R E M finish their set and Cliff Richard comes on.