I overheard this
bloke telling his mate that he'd split up from his wife but he'd got access to
the children. Access to the children? What's that? Did he mean he's had a
little door put in their chest so he can open it and see inside? Have a look
round to see if his kid's still got all its internal organs just in case his
mother had been flogging them? Handy when he takes his kid to the zoo though,
when he has them for the day. Feeding the lions. (OPENS LITTLE DOOR IN CHEST.
FIDDLES AROUND. TAKES SOMETHING OUT. SPEAKS TO LION) Liver? (THROWS IT TO THE
LION) Because fathers always take their kid to the zoo on the day they have
them, don't they. I had a mate at school, Billy Higginbottom, his dad always
took him to the zoo every Sunday. We all used to say to him on the Monday;
"Where did your dad take you yesterday Billy?"
"Zoo."
He spent more time in zoos than David
Attenborough. You could ask him anything about wild animals. He didn't know the
answer because he was thick, but you could ask him. Then after the visit to the
zoo McDonalds for a Big Mac and fries. Every week. Even if he'd behaved
himself. The Happy Eater might not have existed. "Where did your dad take you
after Billy?"
"McDonalds. Big Mac and fries."
"Why don't you ask him to take you
somewhere else for a change? A Chinese or an Indian or
something."
"I
will."
Following
Monday. "Where did your dad take you yesterday Billy?"
"Zoo."
"I mean after the zoo. Did you ask him to
take you somewhere else?"
"Yes. He took me to an Indian."
"What did you
have?"
"Big Mac and
fries. "
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