DEAR PORKY
Send your problem letters, addressed to Porky, to : youfatbastard@fastmail.fm All letters and answers will be published online.
I WANT TO BE A FAT BASTARD Dear Porky I am fat (over twenty stones and only five feet six) but I am not a Fat Bastard as I am not a bastard. In fact I am probably the exact opposite as my wife often calls me her Big Softie. But I don't want to be a Big Softie I want to be a Fat Bastard. Can you give me any tips about how I can become one?
Jim Macleod, Perth.
Dear Jim There are many ways in which you can develop into a Fat Bastard. Read the whole of the You Fat Bastard website and I'm sure you will pick up lots of ideas. However, as your wife is obviously affectionate towards you, the next time she goes down on you let rip with the biggest most smelly fart you can summon up, making sure to hold her head under the covers so she gets the full benefit of it. I hazard a guess that it will be some time before she calls you her Big Softie again.
Porky.
TOO FAT FOR THE ARMY Dear Porky My 18 year old grandson Kyle applied to join the army. At the medical they told him to come back when he has lost three stones! He is fifteen stone odd now so he would only be 12 stone odd if he did that. If you ask me the army is discriminating against fat people. You didn't have to be thin to get into the army at one time, they'd take anybody, especially if there was a war on, so why are they accepting only thin people now?
Brian Mellor, Staines.
Dear Brian The word is that with the unemployment situation being as it is, particularly amongst the young, the army can be a bit more choosy about who they can send to Afghanistan to get shot. Personally I think it's a matter of statistics and the Ministry of Defence wanting to keep the number of casualties down. Think about it: a twenty four stone man has twice the chance of being hit by a Taliban bullet as a twelve stone man. Kyle will have to choose between being a fat bastard or a thin potentially dead bastard. I know which I'd choose.
Porky
MAN BOOBS Dear Porky Although I am fat I like to keep myself fit and go on a five mile run every day but when I do my man boobs jog up and down as I run. People out walking and other runners stare at me which causes me embarrasment. I have tried to solve this by wearing a woman's sports bra. The problem is that when I sweat, which I do a lot, especially when I'm running, the bra shows through. Do you think that if people see it they will think I am a transvestite?
Mark Hall, Stepney.
Dear Mark No, they'll think you're a pervert.
Porky
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