FAT BASTARD RECIPES
PORK PIE
INGREDIENTS. One large packet of Jus Rol pastry. 2 pounds of belly pork. METHOD. Trim all the meat off the belly pork and discard. Chop up the fat into bite size chunks. Roll out the pastry, put the chunks of fat in the middle, roll it up, bake in a hot oven for 30 minutes.
FISH AND CHOPS Buy a large portion of fish and chips from the chip shop, empty out on to a hot plate. Discard the chips and replace with eight fried lamb chops. If you're really hungry put the chips back on and eat them as well.
HOME MADE MEAT EATERS PIZZA Flatten four pounds of minced beef into a pizza shape about ten inches wide by half an inch deep. Add on top of it tomato purée and mozzarella cheese, along with toppings of your choice, including salami and pepperoni and any other fatty things you can think of. Bake in a very hot oven for 20 minutes. Or if you can't wait just eat it as it is.
PROPER DONER KEBAB Buy two doner kebabs. Take out the onions, tomatoes, red cabbage, lettuce and other salady things they put in them and discard. You now have room to put one kebab inside the other one. Do this. Enjoy.
CHOLESTEROL DUMPLINGS Flatten out 3 pounds of longcrust pastry (longcrust pastry is shortcrust pastry with double the amount of lard in it). Pile into the centre of it all the ingredients of all the recipes above. Form into a dumpling. Steam for two hours (the dumpling not you) or until you can't wait any longer. Enough for two sittings and four shittings.
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