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ARMY DISCIPLINE I read in my newspaper yesterday that the Army is to ease up on new recruits who cannot cope with the old-fashioned discipline traditionally meted out by the armed forces. Apparently this is because the modern-day youth who signs-up for basic training just can't take it, and simply packs up. Sanctions used in the past such as ridicule and tough physical excercise are now out, and in future recruits will not be treated so harshly. Additionally, in an effort to encourage them to stay in the Army, they will have coffee bar-style cafes, internet access, welfare and emotional support projects and condom machines. Really! Whatever next? Condom machines? I am old enough to have done National Service and whilst I was doing it had I been suspected of even thinking about condoms I would either immediately have been hooked up to a bromide intravenous drip for a couple of weeks or had my balls cut off with a rusty bayonet. Can you imagine what life will be like in the typical basic training camp of the future....?     AN ARMY BARRACKS ROOM     SERGEANT: You there! Yes you, you horrible little man!     I thought......     PRIVATE: I don't fink you're allowed to call me that no     more.     SERGEANT: What? Oh, right. Sorry, old habits you know.     Now then Perkins my lad, why haven't you had your hair     cut like I told you?     PRIVATE: Didn't feel like it.     SERGEANT: Didn't feel like it, Sergeant!     PRIVATE: Piss off.     SERGEANT: Right! You asked for it! Get your horrible     little body........check, get your body into full battle     order and double round the parade ground for an hour.     PRIVATE: You're not allowed to make me do that no more.     SERGEANT: No, you're right, I was forgetting. Right then,     I'm confiscating your mobile phone for a week.     PRIVATE: You're not allowed to do that either, case I     get homesick or somefink and have to ring me mum to come     and get me.     SERGEANT: Well I certainly intend to discipline you one     way or another or my name's not Sergeant Shithouse. I know,     I'll put the condom machine out of bounds to you for a couple     of days.     PRIVATE: You're not allowed to do that either, that's an     essential supply.     SERGEANT: Well there must be some way I can discipline you.     PRIVATE: How about if you was to confiscate my pet dog for an     hour or two?     SERGEANT: You've got a pet dog in here?     PRIVATE: Oh yes, we all have pets now, it was brought in we     could the other week, good for morale or somefink. I've got     a dog, Private Johnson has got a cat, Private Hargreaves has     got a chipmunk and Private Noblett has got an orang-outang.     SERGEANT: An orang-outang?     PRIVATE: Yes, it's over there see, in bed with him.     SERGEANT: I thought that was his girlfriend!     PRIVATE: And....you mean like you don't mind if we have a     girlfriend in bed with us?     SERGEANT: Doesn't make no difference if I do mind, does it,     you've all been allowed to sleep with your girlfriends in     barracks since last week.     PRIVATE: But...I mean, I haven't got a girlfriend.     SERGEANT: No problem, just get yourself round the the     quartermaster's stores and you'll be issued with a pair.     PRIVATE: A pair?     SERGEANT: Yes, like the pairs of boots you were issued with     when you first joined up, one for working and one for best.     PRIVATE: I'll get myself round there then. Thanks Sarge.     SERGEANT: Right. And when you get back get your bleeding hair     cut.....sorry.....sorry, forget I said that.