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BBC PRESENTERS
April 2003

BBC Television is currently showing a series called Diet Trials in which four people follow four different diets, the object being to determine which of the diets do or do not work. Any viewer who started to watch the series at the outset with a view to learning something that might help them with their own weight problem would immediately have had their expectations lowered considerably on discovering that the programme was fronted by Eamonn Holmes, a man who looks like he has spent the last five years succesfully following the Meat Pie Diet. The rotund refugee from Breakfast Television with the strangulated vowels must be at the very least three stones overweight and for him to front a weight loss programme is a bit like Mick Jagger presenting a programme on celibacy.
     It isn't of course the first time the BBC has exhibited what can only be described as bizarre judgement when picking someone to present one of their programmes. The former footballer Ian Wright, currently to be seen hosting Saturday night's National Lottery show, once, quite unbelievably had his own chat show. A chat show hosted by somebody who hasn't yet learned how to talk properly? Please! Perhaps it's a new sort of trying to fit square pegs into round holes policy which the BBC has recently adopted and we are going to get many more eccentric choices for presenters of BBC programmes?

SCENE. AN OFFICE AT BBC TELEVISION CENTRE. TWO PROGRAMME PLANNERS ARE IN EARNEST DISCUSSION.

     FIRST PLANNER: So what have we got up to now?

     SECOND PLANNER: Carol Vorderman presenting 'How To Remain Anonymous', Gary Lineker hosting 'Develop a Dynamic Personality', John Prescott fronting 'Fluent Public Speaking', Sally Gunnell presenting 'Beauty Secrets', Liam Gallager fronting 'A Quiet Night In' and Prince Charles presenting 'Living in the Real World'.

     FIRST PLANNER: And what's left?

     SECOND PLANNER: 'Flipping KIds' and 'In The Swim.'

     FIRST PLANNER: Remind me again what Flipping Kids is about?

     SECOND PLANNER: The presenter has to spend two weeks on a desert island with a dozen cheeky children. I was thinking maybe Gary Glitter?

     FIRST PLANNER: Oh yes, an excellent choice. Yes, old Gary has flipped a few kids in his time, hasn't he. And who do you suggest for In The Swim? That's the series in which the presenter fronts a series in which people are taught how to swim, isn't it?

     SECOND PLANNER: Yes. I was thinking Michael Barrymore.

     FIRST PLANNER: Good choice again. Because he can't swim, can he. Or so he would have us believe. However unfortunately we've already got him lined up to present 'A Healthy Mind, A healthy Body'.

     SECOND PLANNER: He could do both I suppose?

     FIRST PLANNER: Yes. Yes, why not. Perhaps we could set it in his own swimming pool, get him to invite a few friends round?