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THE QUEEN AT BREAKFAST November 2003 The recent photograph in the newspapers showing Tupperware on the Queen's breakfast table, far from being proof of Her Majesty's ordinariness, as many are claiming, is nothing of the sort. It is proof of her extremely bad taste. In fact the Tupperware was there by mistake and should have been removed before the photograph, which is obviously a fake, was taken. I know this to be the truth as I am familiar with the appearance of the Queen's breakfast table, having some months ago gained admission to Buckingham Palace by masquerading as a Daily Mirror reporter disguised as a royal footman. I can further report that along with the Tupperware the contents of the breakfast table consist of a bottle of milk, an open tin of condensed milk with a knife in it, a box of Kwik Save No Frills cornflakes, an opened 2lb bag of sugar with a spoon in it, a canteen-size enamel teapot, two Golden Jubilee mugs, an ashtray overflowing with dog-ends, several more Tupperware containers, including one filled with dog biscuits for the corgis, and one corgi. The above is set out not on a tablecloth but on newspaper, The Racing Post on the Queen's side of the table, the Daily Sport on the Duke of Edinburgh's. The Queen is usually dressed in a quilted housecoat, tracksuit bottoms, and slippers with horse's head bobs on the front. Her hair is in rollers, partially obscured by a turban. A cigarette droops from the corner of her mouth. The Duke of Edinburgh is either naked or attired in a pair of Union Jack jockey shorts, depending on his state of mind that day.