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THE TERRIBLE REPERCUSSIONS OF WAR March 2004 The war with Iraq has been waging for less than two weeks but even in that short span of time the BBC and ITV main channels have between them already cancelled no less that ninety three hours of programmes to make way for the very latest news on the conflict. And of course much opinion, conjecture and discussion on the conflict. War war and jaw jaw have never been better served.      When the last rocket has been launched and the last bomb has been dropped and things have returned to something like normal there will surely be a terrible price to pay. Already the BBC have had to cancel, to be shown at a later date, the first three episodes of a new series set in the countryside starring that fat bird who used to be in Birds of a Feather. Likewise ITV have had to cancel, to be shown at a later date, the first three episodes of a new series set in the countryside starring that fat bird who used to be that thin bird in Birds of a Feather. If the war lasts for only six months, and early indications are that it will last much longer, and the television companies go on cancelling programmes to be shown at a later date at the same rate they are currently cancelling them, what lies ahead at the outbreak of peace doesn't even bear thinking about. For by then the BBC and ITV could very well have in reserve, for our future delectation, the following:- 110 hours of shite programmes presented by Davina McCall. 120 hours of shite programmes presented by Carol Vorderman. 130 hours of shite programmes about Davina McCall and Carol Vorderman presented by Carol Smillie. 200 hours of shite drama series starring actors like Ross Kemp and Michelle Collins and Tamzin Outhwaite who will prove yet again that they had already reached the outer limits of their acting talents when they were in EastEnders. 270 editions of The Weakest Link, including the not to be missed Weakest Link Paedophile Special. 26 editions of They Think It's All Schoolboy Humour, a new, more intelligent version of They Thinks It's All Over. 39 editions of Ant and Dec Get Your Saturday Night Viewing Off To A Really Crap Start. 1000 episodes of Very Grainy Traffic Police Footage. Big Sister, an all lesbian, all ball-breaking, all hairy-armpitted version of Big Brother. 20 wildlife programmes fronted by so-called 'celebrities' who go to Africa or some other exotic country to 'swim with giant turtles' or 'walk with wildebeest', programmes which the programme makers patronisingly assume would not be of interest to viewers but for the fact that a 'celebrity' is fronting them. (Although this isn't all bad news as one of the programmes is called Claire Sweeney Swims With Crocodiles)      If we threatened to show that little lot to the Iraquis if they didn't behave themselves they'd throw down their weapons immediately.