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WINTER WONDERLAND Inspired by the recent cold snap there was an article in my evening newspaper which pointed out that lazy drivers are risking lives by not making their cars safe during cold and icy conditions. Apparently an Inspector in the local police force is appalled by the number of motorists he has seen driving with iced-over windscreens and windows, and has issued a list of rules to follow in winter condition, which I reproduce below. Clear windows, front and back of ice and snow. Check that wing mirrors are clear and clean. Check wiper blades are in good condituion. Check that tyre tread meets regulations and that tyre pressure is correct. Ensure oil and water levels are correct. Wipe all lights before every journey. On long journeys take warm clothes and a shovel. Always carry de-icer and scraper. If the Inspector in question thinks that people are going to plough their way through that lot on a cold and frosty morning not only is he living in Cloud Cuckoo Land but he takes his holidays on Fantasy Island. And if by any chance they did try to apply his rules the following would be the absolute best case scenario of what might ensue.     MAN: Have you seen anything of the shovel?     WIFE: What?     MAN: I need to have the shovel.     WIFE: We're going to visit my mother, what do you want     the shovel for?     MAN: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Don't tempt me.     WIFE: What?     MAN: Nothing. But we're going on a long journey so we     need to take the shovel with us. Oh, and you'll need to     have some warm clothes with you.     WIFE: I'm wearing my fur coat and hat.     MAN: Yes, but like you say you're wearing them, aren't     you, you need to have more warm clothes along with     you in the car.     WIFE: Look just get in the car will you.     MAN: Well don't blame me if you freeze to death.     WIFE: The only way I'm likely to freeze to death is waiting     for you to get in the bloody car and start driving it, so get     in!     MAN: I haven't finished clearing the windscreen yet.     WIFE: You can see out.     MAN: Yes but the part of the windscreen I can see out of     is only about as big as a porthole.     WIFE: So? You only ever clear a bit about as big as a     porthole.     MAN: Yes but now I have to clear the windscreen     completely. And the front and side windows.     WIFE: They'll clear as soon as we get under way and the     car warms up, just like they always do, now get in will     you!     MAN: Just as soon as I've checked that the wing mirrors     are clear and clean, the wiper blades are in good condition,     the tyre treads meet regulations and the tyre pressures     are correct, the oil and water levels are correct, I've wiped     all the lights and checked that we're carrying a de-icer     and scraper.....where are you going?     WIFE: For the shovel.     MAN: Ah, you've grasped the need for one then?     WIFE: No, I'm going to brain you with it.