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YOUR BALL I went to watch our local football team play this afternoon. They compete in the Air Miles Manchester League - some cruel fans have voiced the opinion that supporters should be given Air Miles for watching them - which is about ten leagues down the pyramid that has the Premiereship at its apex. However in every respect but their skill with a football they are unrecognisable from their professional counterparts. They can feign injury equally convincingly, they can dive with Michael Owen-like plausibility, their haranguing of the referee and effing and blinding at the linesmen is just as impressive, and when it comes to claiming 'our ball!' every time the ball goes into touch they appear to be even better - or perhaps they just seem to be better because I am much closer to the action than I would be at a Premiereship ground.      Memory plays strange tricks but I am fairly certain that such blatant shenanigans didn't go on to such an extent when I used to play football, particularly the claim 'our ball!' from players of both teams every time the ball goes into touch. Just for once, when a ball goes out of play, I would love to hear one of the players say 'your ball' and sometimes wonder what might follow if this were to happen. A FOOTBALL GROUND. PLAYER 'A' MAKES A SLIDING TACKLE ON PLAYER 'B' AND THE BALL GOES OUT OF PLAY, CLEARLY TOUCHING PLAYER 'B' BEFORE CROSSING THE LINE.      PLAYER B: Your ball.      PLAYER A: What?      PLAYER B: Your ball. Shall I get it for you?      PLAYER A: Are you taking the piss?      PLAYER B: No.      PLAYER A: You are. You're being... what's it called...ironic....you're saying 'your ball' because every time the ball's gone out up to now I've said 'our ball'. You're taking the piss you twat.      PLAYER B: No, I just said.....      THE REFEREE RUSHES OVER, ALL RED FACE AND OFFICIALDOM.      REFEREE: What's going on?      PLAYER B: Nothing. The ball went out and I said 'your ball'.      REFEREE: Your ball?      PLAYER B: Yes.      REFEREE: (TAKING HIS BOOK OUT) What's your name?      PLAYER B: What? You're not booking me!      REFEREE: I warned you not five minutes ago when I gave that penalty against you and you put the ball on the penalty spot and told the penalty taker you hoped he scored!      PLAYER B: Well I did hope he'd score, he would have done if our bloke hadn't brought him down, I was just being sporting.      REFEREE: Sporting my backside, you were taking the piss. So I'm giving you a yellow card. What's your name?      PLAYER B: Ball.      REFEREE: What?      PLAYER B: Uri Ball.     REFEREE: (WHIPS HIS RED CARD OUT AND BRANDISHES IT AT PLAYER B) Off!